College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
