does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
