Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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