I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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