If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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