i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
