I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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