imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
