remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
