When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
