i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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