Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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