Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
