Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
