she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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