Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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