she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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