Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
