My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
