i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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