wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
