As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
