i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
