Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
