you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
