Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize