Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
