I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
