let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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