In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
