You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
