I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
