the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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