and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
