i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
