Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
