got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
