ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
