3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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