Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
