i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
