Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
