toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
