i need an iv and a liver transplant
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
