Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
