i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
