drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
