so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
