my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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