The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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