cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
