Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You are a genius and a whore.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
