i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
