Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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