tell your sister to shave her snatch
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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