I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
