i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
