My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
