Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
