I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
