i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
