wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
