I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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