Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
