At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
